Offering True Support: How to Communicate with Someone Diagnosed with Cancer

The moment someone is diagnosed with cancer, the emotional landscape of their lives and those around them shifts profoundly. The initial instinct to offer comfort may lead us to utter platitudes, but according to cancer therapists, certain comments can be more alienating than supportive. Understanding what to say is crucial in effectively offering solace and genuine aid to those grappling with such a diagnosis.

When a friend or relative confides their cancer diagnosis, the landscape of human interaction becomes a minefield of words where the best intentions might inadvertently cause harm. Four cancer therapists have shared words of wisdom on how to tread these delicate grounds. One common phrase they unanimously warn against is “Everything happens for a reason.” It may be a well-meaning attempt to find a silver lining, but it can feel dismissive and insensitive.

Psychotherapist Brittany Pinto emphasizes the importance of steering clear of cliches and simplifications. A statement like “Everything happens for a reason” fails to acknowledge the complexity and tumultuous emotions that come with cancer. Likewise, Dr. Lisa Stewart points out that this phrase can invalidate the patient's feelings and disastrous impact on their worldview. Offering a response that aligns with personal beliefs and perspectives is key rather than defaulting to broad, possibly inappropriate assumptions.

Crystal C. Joseph suggests avoiding deterministic or minimization comments, such as “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear” or “This too shall pass.” These can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and anger towards oneself or a higher power. Equally unhelpful is trivializing the diagnosis with stories of others' cancer experiences or urging optimism by insisting they "think positive."

Rather than relying on trite sayings, Dr. Emily A. Meier advises expressing genuine empathy and concern, followed by concrete offers of assistance. Specificity can act as a catalyst for support—distinct from vague offers—by addressing real needs such as transportation to appointments or help with household tasks.

Proving your support isn’t confined to words, Dr. Stewart notes that asking open-ended questions about necessary help can be pivotal. Real, pragmatic support can take various forms, from coordinating a meal train to caring for children. The emphasis lies in commitment to action, not just words, which can ring hollow without follow-up.

Maintaining awareness of the person's preferred level of conversation about their cancer is also important. Joseph and Pinto advise letting the individual with cancer guide these discussions. Building a supportive environment means respecting their social and emotional cues, ensuring that the space is conducive to open dialogue but also recognizing when silence is preferred.

The value of simply being present and listening cannot be understated. Dr. Meier underscores the importance of remembering the person beyond their illness, advocating for ongoing compassion as cancer treatment often extends over long periods. Beyond the conclusion of treatment, emotional and psychological healing may still require time and understanding.

Every interaction with a cancer patient should remind us that real support is a blend of empathy, practical help, and respect for their individual experience. As we partner with them in their journey, our compassionate responses and readiness to act become the embodiment of true support.